sad and ashamed

i am so ashamed of myself.
why did i not tell her?
how could i not think that it would surface?
she has all the right in the world to be mad at me.
for a long long time.
does she believe me?
no.
will she forgive me?
prob not.
but i hope so.
i am mad at me.
why didn't i just tell her?
it is not easy to look at her beautiful blue eyes and see the love she has and say what i needed to say.
it made me sick to even think of it.
i put myself in this situation.
i could have removed me.
but i didn't.
the choices you make today, you live with tomorrow.
that is ever so true.
it has been more than a year since acting like i have no care in the world.
and today, reality slapped me in the face.
unexpectedly.
and why would she believe me after the way i did act sometimes?
and reality slapped really hard.
i love her.
i love her dearly.
i may have lost her for good.
and i at least deserve it - for awhile.
what i promised i would not do, i did.
i let someone else be the last to know something.
i am sad.
so sad.
sickenly sad.
she must feel so alone.
so upset
mind racing a 1000 miles an hour...
words cannot express what she is feeling right now.
her heart actually feeling the pain from the hurt.
there is nothing worse than that hurt.
why didn't i just tell her?
why could i have not just told her?
the pain would not have been as bad as it is now.
bad, but not near as bad.
it just hurt me so bad to have to hurt her.
but i should have accepted the responsibility and just told her.
now i have to live with that.
i hope she forgives me.
even if her life stays the same, i hope she can forgive me.
i love her.
i love her dearly.
sad i was involved in hurting her.
the worst she has ever been hurt.
i am so ashamed and sad......

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.

that is what i wrote in a card for B. from kyle and I. it is truly from the heart. the pain that she is really starting to feel is overwhelming. we will always be here for her. always.
********************************************************************************************
man what about this weather!!! it is soooo beautiful!!!! it could bot be any better...at all. woot woot. gonna go for a ride in a bit. have a shirt to return, some things to mail, have to go to the church. and the best part is that by the time i am done it should be like 6 miles or so, amybe more. it has been too hot to ride, but it is great right now.
********************************************************************************************
saturday was our family reunion. it was at miller park in bloomington. they have a zoo, putt putt golf, palyground, and a sprnkler park (which is free). our intentions were to do them all. not a chance. we (b and i) ended up in the sprinkler park with the kiddies. it is soo neat. and free. definitely gonna go back a few more time before school starts. cheap fun for all ages. being with the family rocked also. it is technically kyles family, but thanks goodness i am blessed with them also. it is great that they/we get together 2x a year. love them, love them, love them!!! and then a few cam to our house yesterday and took us to supper...so awesome.
*****************************************************************************************
so...man not much else to say!! getting off here...no really i am. i hate that this computer hogs in about a 3rd of my day. (hi my name is tina, and i am addicted to the internet) i look up everything and anything that i may be curious about. i daydream about vacations. listen to music. always finding a reason.

hope you have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, beautiful day!! peace out!!

friday, friday, friday....

hi there. how are ya. great, great...glad to hear it. my OCD ridden mind is running 40 miles an hour. i am supposed to be doing my homework for my health class (that is due today or i am kicked out of the class) and i started it YESTERDAY! slacker? who? me? nahhhhh. did i mention it was actually due in january. lol....see why i can not will not take online classes...it would not work. so as soon as i am done with this, i am on to the homework!!

so last night was our second night helping youth group. it so rocks. we gave them a challenge of doing something nice for someone whith out getting anything in return. we are starting small. building up to much bigger things. then we had an activity, which is the part we do. we set up a corn pot filled with candy, all kinds of change, wrinkled up paper and and 1$ bills, and a bill for 10.00$, herein called the bucket of life. the kids had to go to the bucket of life and take one thing at a time, go back to their seat and drop it off, then could return for more. if you were in contact with you seat you got to keep what you had if not you lost everything you had. we did for 30seconds, then 25 seconds thten we didn't tell them how much time they had. such as life. the name of the game was called greed. then kyle gave a little speech about greed and pastor lee chimed in with greater detail. they really enjoyed it. and they actually learned something. it was awesome. we are gonna have new activities each week. then in august we are gonna have a back to school bash with all kinds of fun stuff...can't wait. hoping to make a difference in somepne's life. and hoping they will walk closer to God.

next weel also starts our 40 days of love small group for 6 weeks at church. can't wait. it is for anyone married, single, divorced,etc. to not only love better, but be loveable. i am excited. a friend that doesnt even go to our church is coming. and i am soooo excited that in jule her and i are gonna get together and do the discussion ?'s in the upper room devotional...that will be so cool.

can you believe the church bulletin has been done since tuesday? i know, right? i feel like i haven't even done it, it has been done so long.

father's day on Sunday. love my guy. he is amazing. he not only loves his daughter, but has helped raise my nieces and foster another one. he never asks for anything and loves them completely. all of them. and not only that, but being there for our other nieces and nephews when needed. he ROCKS!!! wish i could give him something awesome. something like a nascar ticket!! a few days vacation somewhere...something he deserves. but at the same time...he is content. which i love about him. i love the journey we have shared/are sharing. we will have many more chapters to our book. i am soooooo excited about the future.

again it is killing me that i cannot talk about the other person in our house. she is such a giant wonderful part of our lives. but...can't say anything...we had a nice wonderful long talk today. i just love her.

i really am sorry that a friend of mine is in pain.

i really need to do my homework.

i really need to do the dishes(that i have started twice)

i really want to go somewhere

I really DO NOT LIKE SUMMER!!!

i really need to plant the flowers my wonderful mom-n-law bought for me..

wheewww...i could go on for days....

but better get off here and stop singing to grease and get my homework done...

(you better shape up cause i need a man and my heart is set on you, youre the one that i want...hoo, hoo, hoooo...the one i need, oh yes indeed)

hooo, hooo, hoooo

lol, peace out!!

(we'll always be together, always together, we'll always be together)

yep...me again....

Good morning everyone. hope your morning is going well. it is 7:25 and i have had enuff on my mind already for an entire day and only been up for one hour. I have discovered new bruises from the let's stretch just a little more falling off the ladder incident. Funny now not so muc then. i am onmy way back out to the church for another day of pressure washing. and what a good day to pick, it is gonna be 90 degress---just kill me. i am ready for snow again. i dislike summer very much!! but if i have to be outside, soaked by cold water is hwere i need to be!!

we have a car show at our church on saturday!! everyone should come. it is free to get in and have a few kiddie things there also, and of course food! my jobs are from 11-1 watch the obstacle course (quit ur laughing momma b and hubby) and then from 1-3 ride on the hayrack with the kiddies. woot, woot...ASIDE FROM THE HEAT, i am excited. should be a good day!!

not much going on this day, so i am gonna head out on the ole bikester in a bit to the church!! hope you have a magnificent wonderful fantastic amazing day!! God bless!!

some cool pics and the runaway dog

Here are some pics that I did on the photofunia site. It is really, really, awesome.

the mighty running dog , see the below story(not the best pic of him, but will work)

a beautiful, beautiful sweet little girl (sorry I don't have any newer pics of the other kids) but when i do look out...i have an idea....

amazing beauty

so very awesome!!!

one of my newphews

this one kills me..but it is neat

my other nephew

one of my beautiful nieces

miss heaven marie

chili chili cheese fries

sweet cass

miss dis...love this pic of her

AND THE AMAZING RUNAWAY DOG!!

ok--let me set the scene for you...we are outside one day last week (the hottest one) cleaning the truck inside and out. all the doors are open matts out, using the vacuum to do the carpets. cleaning away. music playing, aaahhhhh life is good. and then she tells me that zeus is loose. WHAT!!?!?!?!!??? he is sooo fast and would never ever come back on his own. WWHHAATTT??!?!?!!! i throw the window cleaner and paper towels while on the run. me, running? hahahahah-joke in iteself. i am springing after him..he doesn't even look back. he is running towards his girlfriend accross the alley. i'm think great, he loves her-he'll stop. no chance. i am screaming "zeus heres your girlfriend(which by the way he knows who we men when we say that) he ran right by her!! he nEVER ever leaves his g/f behind...mind u chili is now chasing me chasing zeus. i tell her to get chili as he is trying to eat zeus' g/f. zeus is running and running, by this time i am screaming, crying his name. tears are rolling i know he is never coming back. i am running through yards, bushes, crying his name and running through bushes...it was awful. mind you i am a chunky girl...i do not run...knees just may blow out!! i love to ride, walk, but run noooooo way. we are almost to rt 47 by now!!! i knew and could see it play over and over in my mind him being squished by a semi. i was hysterical by theis point!! It was by the Grace of God that he stopped. after peeing on everything he could he stopped to tri it again and i was on him...he cowered down and i scooped him up...next thought is "man i am gonna pass out. i see little white spots and green spots..dizzy. goona fall. DON"T FALL YOU FOOL HE"LL GET AWAY!!! and all you ran was for nothing. don't do it, ok, coming back from that..whhheewww" first was relief he was caught then i wanted to killl him. we come in i get sat down-before i fell down..he curls up on the couch in a little ball and takes a nap. little did he know, i still had to finish the truck and wash it yet and clean the rest of the house and ride 4 miles--while he slept!! i ran what felt like a 5k in 10 miutes and he is sleeping!!!
good think i love him.

So last night was our first night witht he youth group. i have so many ideas, it should be quite the adventure with all the kids. i will be telling more as it goes and the adventures we have done.

well, getting off here for now, have a great day!!

Boring

Well, i have come to the conclusion that my blog is soooo stinkin boring, it kills me to read it. No seriously...it is awful. I need to pep it up. My life is a little simple, but man this blog could put the happiest of people to sleep....gonna dig deep and bring me out again(by the advice of a friend).

After searching through the blogs looking for more reads, that is when i really noticed it. wheew..what kept you here?

I find some of the blogs i read absolutely amazing. The pain, the sadness, the love, the faith, and even the anger that some people feel. i want to write like that. at least a little like that. the one thing i have to talk about mostly, i cannot talk about for confidentiality reasons...and it kills me. but i have to keep it hush hush. but there are many, many emotions i would love to get out...i just can't right now. which leads to a boring blog.

what i have to say is nothing compared to the pain and feelings some people have to say. my daily routine is blah, blah, blah...boring.

it is amazing to me how the heart can ache and tears can flow for someone you haven't even met. but they do. my heart is bleeding for brokenwon. there is a lady who has something to say!! she is amazing. along with mckmomma. her faith is amazing, amazing, amazing...

a friend of mine is coming in a bit to teach the kid how to crochet. better her than me. now way. while she is doing that, i am gonna work on my health class homework that was due in january. just a few days late, huh? lol...thank goodness for a patient instructor...whoops.

i really rreally want to go grocery shopping tonight. oh,wait forgot it ws thursday..tonight is our first night helping with the youth group. kyle is very, very excited. i am nervous, but excited. i find it scary that i could possibly be a person that makes an influence in someone's life. i just don't want to say the wrong thing. you know, just that wierd, nervous, never dont it before feeling. we have some awesome things planned out. i'll have to let you know as it goes along. maybe that will help this boring blog huh? k, great, may you have a blessed day!!! peace out.....

Amazing love...

These are some pics of the amazing sky we seen on May 30th at our church bonfire. It went from sunny to puring back to sunny to major downpour with hail back to sunny and awesome. It was amazing....Wow is He majestic...

this cloud was soooo white compared to the rest..it was really awesome!!

Heaven and Cass...it is actually 2 towels...it was neat how it matched up. Miss them so much!!

Woot Woot!! I pulled 55 radishes from the garden this morning...can't wait for the rest of the stuff to be ready.

what a difference a day makes....

what a difference a day makes
Sunday..all is normal
monday one is gone
tuesday going about your daily routine
wednesday...packing
thursday another is gone.
one day
all is different
the hugs
the smiles
the extremely long bike train
the endless chatter at the table for supper
the rushing in the morning
the tucking in bed at night
the tickling
the i love you's
all gone
what a difference a day can make
will they be ok?
no more practicing math and reading
no more giggles
very sad
very worried
piece of my heart going with them
feeling very empty inside
frustrating to not have any control
we'll be here always
til the next time
there will be a next time
there always is
what a difference a day can make.....