sad and ashamed

i am so ashamed of myself.
why did i not tell her?
how could i not think that it would surface?
she has all the right in the world to be mad at me.
for a long long time.
does she believe me?
no.
will she forgive me?
prob not.
but i hope so.
i am mad at me.
why didn't i just tell her?
it is not easy to look at her beautiful blue eyes and see the love she has and say what i needed to say.
it made me sick to even think of it.
i put myself in this situation.
i could have removed me.
but i didn't.
the choices you make today, you live with tomorrow.
that is ever so true.
it has been more than a year since acting like i have no care in the world.
and today, reality slapped me in the face.
unexpectedly.
and why would she believe me after the way i did act sometimes?
and reality slapped really hard.
i love her.
i love her dearly.
i may have lost her for good.
and i at least deserve it - for awhile.
what i promised i would not do, i did.
i let someone else be the last to know something.
i am sad.
so sad.
sickenly sad.
she must feel so alone.
so upset
mind racing a 1000 miles an hour...
words cannot express what she is feeling right now.
her heart actually feeling the pain from the hurt.
there is nothing worse than that hurt.
why didn't i just tell her?
why could i have not just told her?
the pain would not have been as bad as it is now.
bad, but not near as bad.
it just hurt me so bad to have to hurt her.
but i should have accepted the responsibility and just told her.
now i have to live with that.
i hope she forgives me.
even if her life stays the same, i hope she can forgive me.
i love her.
i love her dearly.
sad i was involved in hurting her.
the worst she has ever been hurt.
i am so ashamed and sad......