the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.

the bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.

that is what i wrote in a card for B. from kyle and I. it is truly from the heart. the pain that she is really starting to feel is overwhelming. we will always be here for her. always.
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man what about this weather!!! it is soooo beautiful!!!! it could bot be any better...at all. woot woot. gonna go for a ride in a bit. have a shirt to return, some things to mail, have to go to the church. and the best part is that by the time i am done it should be like 6 miles or so, amybe more. it has been too hot to ride, but it is great right now.
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saturday was our family reunion. it was at miller park in bloomington. they have a zoo, putt putt golf, palyground, and a sprnkler park (which is free). our intentions were to do them all. not a chance. we (b and i) ended up in the sprinkler park with the kiddies. it is soo neat. and free. definitely gonna go back a few more time before school starts. cheap fun for all ages. being with the family rocked also. it is technically kyles family, but thanks goodness i am blessed with them also. it is great that they/we get together 2x a year. love them, love them, love them!!! and then a few cam to our house yesterday and took us to supper...so awesome.
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so...man not much else to say!! getting off here...no really i am. i hate that this computer hogs in about a 3rd of my day. (hi my name is tina, and i am addicted to the internet) i look up everything and anything that i may be curious about. i daydream about vacations. listen to music. always finding a reason.

hope you have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, beautiful day!! peace out!!

just rambling...

Good morning! Well cassy hasn't been gone 10 minutes and i am worried. did she get into the door (she is easily distracted)? Will she remember that our pastor's son is getting her from her room? what if she forgets? uugghhh...and she is not even my kid. that is the "Rog" totally coming out in me(my dad). worry, worry, worry. I wouldn't worry even half as much if they had been taught anything. I feel so awful that they really don't know so much that you think they should know. about life, about people, about everything. It is really heartbreaking. cassy has a giant tendency to cry ALLLLL the time over EVERYTHING!!! the other night she was crying and crying after she had just eaten a giant supper about how hungry she was and wanted a snack...i asked her what was really wrong that she could not be hungry that soon. she says "i am afraid the food will run out" "what if it all gets gone?" "i have to eat it all before it goes away". tears rolled down my cheeks as i promising her that that would never happen...EVER. it was awful. i am more patient than i ever thought i would be--but the crying is really testing me.

heaven has been on a roller coaster for days now. i almost didn't go to a friends mom's service because she was having such a bad melt-down. her mom was here for about an hour after school. just enough to bring it all up in her again. she actually went to paxton to sign all the papers for her to have counseling. it is a roller coaster every day of emotion--more so when she sees her mom. and she does not want cassy here. it's really going ok, just adjusting to anything is hard on heaven!!

my other sister is being her usual self centered nieve person. she is so mad about me having cassy. trish was trying to keep the girls close-they have only had each other constantly their whole lives. the other sister is saying things like"they think so little of us, we are good enuff to buy shoes and get a haircut but not to live with"! uughhhh...she is sooooo selfish. i can't even begin to explain her. kyle says not to let it bother me, but ignorance is irritating!! if she were even trying to be part of the family she would understand all thses kids have been thru...but there is no one in her life except the jerk, two timing, respect demanding (for nothing), controlling, stupid husband of hers. and i realize that is not Christian like-but I am frustrated with her. and i could have said way worse. i do pray that they find peace. that they can feel the grace of God. I pray that she realizes family first before something happens and she will have regrets.

aannnnyyyhoooooo.....i am finally getting my garden planted today. i am excited. i have 3 tomato plants-cherry, big boy, early girl, 2 cuke plants, seeds-beets(for mom and mom-n-law), radish, green bean, zuchini, watermelon, still getting jalapeno plants, green pepper plants, and a few other little things, oh yeah-160 onions to plant!!! been waiting forever--but getting it done!!wooohoooo.

have i mentioned that i have the worlds best hubby?(to me)....he does sooo much for us 3. never complains, never asks for anything. he really loves us so much and puts up with a lot from my family. he always has the best interest of the kids at heart.

next week, i hope to get some flowers and gett hem planted...love planting things. i could spend tons, if i had it.

i have a spring cleaning list a mile long. anyone feel like cleaning?? anyone? anyone? ok, ok, guess i will have to do it.

mandy gets baptized this Sunday so we are going to their church instead of ours. she will also be intro'd as a member. she is in college to become a nurse. she has just grown up so fast. they all are. i love her so much!

i taught candis how to loom. she loves it. made herself a hat already and think she is gonna help make hats for heaven's school...lol, is that a joke, maybe i should have waited a little while before opening my mouth. that's me tho-vomit of the mouth alll the time...

well, guess maybe i should get back to work. unfortunately the laundry and dish fairy skipped over my house last night-think she was needed somehwere else worse. lol...dang her!! oh well--we really do enjoy the business and the xtra people around. think we have decided we want seven or 8...eventually...of course that means eventually we will have to get a bigger house!! take care...have a blessed day!! ttfn....btw...i am not doing the spelling check so enjoy the typos...lol

up in the air

ok, i finally have about .3 seconds to post something so here goes--

well last week flew by. tons to do in a short time and a million and 3 ?'s going on in my head. what is she thinking? what does she look like? wonder if she would even open up enough to talk to us(they said she was very shy). a person could about run themselves crazy. seemed like from 12p-3p went by in like 15 minutes. then she called-is she canceling? does she not want to come? a ton of thoughts in the 2 seconds to answer the phone. she said " were in gc and on 5th st, how do we get to ur house"-i could have barfed!! lol...craziness...tina get a hold of yourself is all i could say. so they pull up...my heart is pounding-i can only begin to imagine what she is feeling. whatever i was feeling i knew she was feeling 12x as much. i just wanted to hug her-but u r not supposed too. so i didn't. she and the worker came in and introduced us and left. really it was that quick. she was standing at the door with her head down for prob 10-15 minutes not talking at all. then finally she sat on the couch. for at least 45 minutes there was not a word from her. i however was trying as hard as i possible could not to BOMB her with ?'s...trust me it was not easy. i showed her the room and the house...we just sat there in silence. finally i told her "look i am so nervous/excited that i can't take it-can we talk?" she started opening up a little. very little. i wanted to cry for her. i know the number of times she as done this. and can't imagine. i just wanted to convey to her that we would never hurt her and there are good people that can love her. so, just as soon as she started to open up , she went to the room and made her bed(we let her pick which one she wanted). she laid out her clothes for the next day. then my dearest most loving hubby came home. he asked her if she was hungry and conversation took off from there. we talked a lot. we got supper and took it to the park. came back and played monopoly, are you smarter than a 5th grader, and chilled. about 10:40ish papi went to bed. she asked me to watch a movie with her so we started it and she fell asleep. the next morning she slept in (which she said she usually sleeps til noon) but the dogs woke her up. her and i played yahtzee, mad gab(not the right way) and kyle came home from work. he chimed in on the games and then we grilled lunch. while we were doing lunch we played that velcro ball game-first me then kyle. then we had to take her home. she lives in a house with TONS of people. 4 other foster kids, the ladies grand-daughter, daughter, husband, their 2 kids and she is pregnant, and a foster child that came back after out of the system. not including the billion people in and out in a day. the foster mother was really neat. said all kinds of nice things to us. told us some about her. and we left. we talked for a few miles and then silence. just lost in our thoughts. our fears. wondering what she was thinking. what was she feeling as we drove away. our ideas of a family. how hard it is to not have a family. i long to see our child. his eyes, my nose, my attitude, his compassion. we just held hands and rode. i love him so much. (even tho i may want to choke him now and again)

don't get me wrong, i know this has happened for a reason. and most likely it is so we can help heaven. i am ok with it. i really am. she really needs help. but nonetheless-it hurts.

so on to other stuff...oh wait, one more thing...now we just have to wait and see if she wants to come back then they will call.

ok, we are now helping with our youth group starting this thursday. which rocks!! i am nervous, but kyle is in all his glory. he has awesome things planned with a meaning behind them. he is really growing...and man have we changed. still surprises me sometimes. i would never have believed we would be where we are even a year ago.

we had "get out of church day" yesterday. it was awesome. we were split into teams and went out to minister and pray for people. there were people at harpers pumping gas and washing windows, a team at the annex, a team at mcdonalds, the laundry mat, and county market giving out gift certificates, and the kids were doing a free car wash. it was really neat. we are definitely doing it again.

kyle went to melvin to help clean a ladies yard and i was sent with another girl to the manor. now for those of you who know me-the unknown scares the living daylights out of me. i don't like to talk in front of people, especially praying. i didn't know this girl either. might i say i was excited but nervous as all get out. pastor nick is really trying to help me and encourage me to get out of my comfort zone. that's where he says i will be at my best. that's why he didn't pair me with kyle. i thanked him for doing that. it was an awesome experience. we talked to and prayed for 90% of the people in there. we shed lots of tears. and i know that my time needs to be spent more wisely so maybe i can spend time with some that are so lonely. i have been there a million times. this time was different. this time Jesus went before me, gave me strength, and sent his love thru me. it was powerful.

after that we flew to miller park for cassy's b-day party/cookout. we were only almost 2 hours late. we hurried. it was nice to be in the nice breeze and be with the fam. i will put pics on facebook later.

so there you have it, our very emotional, fantastic, awesome weekend. i hope you all had a great weekend!! thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers. have a blessed day! luv, me

the news

ok, i am gonna rant for a few minutes so if you don't want to hear it, x me out now!!! i turned on the news to see what the weather was predicted to be (hoping for some spring like stuff soon) and the first thing i hear is about the 11 year old that shot his dad's 9 month pregnant g/f. WHAT???????????? 11 years old, 2 more innocent lives gone. AN UNBORN BABY??? it is almost too hard to fathum. 11 years old, never in trouble, "a good kid" pushed by jealousy"!! are you serious? how sad it is that they keep getting younger and younger committing crimes like this. then my next thought was my niece living with me. she has major anger issues, oppositional defiance disorder, adhd, ocd, ptsd, and, and, and, it scares me to death to think of what could happen. how angry she could get and be pushed? it can happen obviously. and another ? who the WORLD buys there 11 year a shot gun??? that is just CRAZY to me!!! why put weapons in their hands? I HATE GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes for all of you gun people--guns dont kill people, people kill people-i get it, but obviously if there was no gun in the house -OR THAT HE KNEW HOW TO USE-it might not have happened. anyway, enuff of the major controversy i just started. back to my niece--i trembled inside at the thought of the possibility that this could be her if the help she is continuing to get stops. yesterday was the worst day ever. she is soooooo mad at me right now after the weekend with her mom. she wants go where it is "fun" "where there is a (my words-stupid freakin) playstation with games (you know that are violent killing games not anything kid like.) i seen while there a head be ripped off and an arm and blood everywhere on this game. gee, now take someone with mental issues and let them play it, good idea right???? gggrrrrrr, i am so frustrated with the way things have happened. she is mad because they spent the weekend knocking me and now she is here and feels that i am wronging her mother. man there is soooo much history that some of this may not make sense to people who do not know the situation, but i have to rant..vent, and get it out before i blow up!!! gggrrrrrr....and yes for those of you thinking foster care will be like this-YES I KNOW--but it will be different because my it is not my family (yet anyway) that i have invested my whole heart and soul into, to make sure they have what they need, food to eat, clothes to wear and to feel as much love as they can from me for 10 years!!!! since they were born--it is really hard!! i am up for the challenge-don't worry, i just needed to vent. the reason i am mad is because it is preventable. she is soooooo impressionable it is ridiculous...they can spend the week complaining about me, just not where she can hear it. of course there is not reason to complain, just insecurity.

ok then on to the next subject...the next thing i hear is about the mother of 14 children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gggrrrrrr....no job, no house, no partner of any type, on public aid--GETTING IVF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes i have heard about it before today, but today it just seems to be too much to listen to. I can't have children as you know and let me tell you, i do NOT know how a woman with six kids in her situation could even begin to afford it, let alone be selfish enuff to do it again. she has two kids with disabilities. help them extra, love them, love the six you have!!!! it is like 10,000$ per try for ivf...each one of her kids were ivf...that is a lot of money. gggrrrrr....there are a lot of feelings rolling around in my head today. i pray for all those sweet innocent children who were brought into this mess. i pray for the whole family...and this lady wants to be a counselor or psychiatrist, think she needs to go to one for awhile. heck maybe i do after today and yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol....

ok, my ranting is over...some people may think i am one way or the other on these subjects, they are highly controversial subjects i know and i see some of both sides, it am just expressing my opinion on the things i am going thru...

well, i thank you for listening to me..holla back and lets chat.

i am gonna get to my moving my house around. we have take our bed out and put up the twin beds and put the full bed in our room(gonna be tight fitting with the 2 6-8lb dogs who literally hog the bed), paint our room and the kids room. i am excited to get this done. i will share some pics soon...

i am going to my daily devotional and feel the love...hope you have a great day!! have a blessed day!!

look out lots to say....

hey, well, it's been a while again...i am sooo busy lately...i just posted some pics on my myspace (http://www.myspace.com/tina32799) of the festival of trees that my mom-n-law and i went to yesterday. it was sooo nice, and it helped the baby fold in bloomington that my niece went to school at for years. the trees were very pretty, we sang Christmas songs loudly all the way home. definitely in the spirit. for the first time ever, i am not worried about gifts. if i can get them fine, and if not, oh well. gifts are not the reason. i will be happy to be with my family and be glad we are all together. i don't feel the holiday pressure at all. i am loving the lights, taking to strangers, smiling to everyone, and trying to make a difference. of course some of u r thinking "well u dont have kids", but really, honestly, i think i would feel the same way. if i did have kids i would prob feel more that way. i would influence them to give to people before wanting for themselves. i am trying to do that with my nieces and it's not working so well. they mad their huge Christmas list and i suggested that they buy for children in need and they looked at me like i was crazy!! which maybe i am, but i just see soooo many things that people need and i am wanting to make a difference, HUGELY!!!!

which leads me to my next thing. i am in the process of building a website that lists the smaller places and the smaller needs of communities. the perfect website to give is justgive.org---it is just what i wanted to do on a larger level. i want to encourage people to give all year round, like 5-10$ a month all year. we all waste more than that. people don't just need at the holidays, it is just more focused on. i really feel the need to get this done. i want it to be as big as it can be. like to list the churches, food pantries, and such in small towns all over illinois(to start with) that need stuff to help people. i am broke, but you know, no matter how broke, i have wayyyyy more than a lot of people. emotionally, financially, family, love, etc... i just want to do something that makes a difference...man, there is so much i want to say, but i don't want to bore you...

now on to other stuff...wooohooo the lighted holiday parade is tomorrow!!! i agree with snot head. the lights, the love, the excitement...even the cold is part of it...

my mom-n-laws long time friend had a heart attack after having a heart cath and stints put in. i really hope she is ok and all goes well, for her, her hubby, and her family. wishing them the best.

well, guess i should get busy. no time just sit type all my feelings out, that would take days and days....wishing you all the best and a wonderful day!!