Monday, April 27, 2009

up in the air

ok, i finally have about .3 seconds to post something so here goes--

well last week flew by. tons to do in a short time and a million and 3 ?'s going on in my head. what is she thinking? what does she look like? wonder if she would even open up enough to talk to us(they said she was very shy). a person could about run themselves crazy. seemed like from 12p-3p went by in like 15 minutes. then she called-is she canceling? does she not want to come? a ton of thoughts in the 2 seconds to answer the phone. she said " were in gc and on 5th st, how do we get to ur house"-i could have barfed!! lol...craziness...tina get a hold of yourself is all i could say. so they pull heart is pounding-i can only begin to imagine what she is feeling. whatever i was feeling i knew she was feeling 12x as much. i just wanted to hug her-but u r not supposed too. so i didn't. she and the worker came in and introduced us and left. really it was that quick. she was standing at the door with her head down for prob 10-15 minutes not talking at all. then finally she sat on the couch. for at least 45 minutes there was not a word from her. i however was trying as hard as i possible could not to BOMB her with ?' me it was not easy. i showed her the room and the house...we just sat there in silence. finally i told her "look i am so nervous/excited that i can't take it-can we talk?" she started opening up a little. very little. i wanted to cry for her. i know the number of times she as done this. and can't imagine. i just wanted to convey to her that we would never hurt her and there are good people that can love her. so, just as soon as she started to open up , she went to the room and made her bed(we let her pick which one she wanted). she laid out her clothes for the next day. then my dearest most loving hubby came home. he asked her if she was hungry and conversation took off from there. we talked a lot. we got supper and took it to the park. came back and played monopoly, are you smarter than a 5th grader, and chilled. about 10:40ish papi went to bed. she asked me to watch a movie with her so we started it and she fell asleep. the next morning she slept in (which she said she usually sleeps til noon) but the dogs woke her up. her and i played yahtzee, mad gab(not the right way) and kyle came home from work. he chimed in on the games and then we grilled lunch. while we were doing lunch we played that velcro ball game-first me then kyle. then we had to take her home. she lives in a house with TONS of people. 4 other foster kids, the ladies grand-daughter, daughter, husband, their 2 kids and she is pregnant, and a foster child that came back after out of the system. not including the billion people in and out in a day. the foster mother was really neat. said all kinds of nice things to us. told us some about her. and we left. we talked for a few miles and then silence. just lost in our thoughts. our fears. wondering what she was thinking. what was she feeling as we drove away. our ideas of a family. how hard it is to not have a family. i long to see our child. his eyes, my nose, my attitude, his compassion. we just held hands and rode. i love him so much. (even tho i may want to choke him now and again)

don't get me wrong, i know this has happened for a reason. and most likely it is so we can help heaven. i am ok with it. i really am. she really needs help. but nonetheless-it hurts.

so on to other stuff...oh wait, one more we just have to wait and see if she wants to come back then they will call.

ok, we are now helping with our youth group starting this thursday. which rocks!! i am nervous, but kyle is in all his glory. he has awesome things planned with a meaning behind them. he is really growing...and man have we changed. still surprises me sometimes. i would never have believed we would be where we are even a year ago.

we had "get out of church day" yesterday. it was awesome. we were split into teams and went out to minister and pray for people. there were people at harpers pumping gas and washing windows, a team at the annex, a team at mcdonalds, the laundry mat, and county market giving out gift certificates, and the kids were doing a free car wash. it was really neat. we are definitely doing it again.

kyle went to melvin to help clean a ladies yard and i was sent with another girl to the manor. now for those of you who know me-the unknown scares the living daylights out of me. i don't like to talk in front of people, especially praying. i didn't know this girl either. might i say i was excited but nervous as all get out. pastor nick is really trying to help me and encourage me to get out of my comfort zone. that's where he says i will be at my best. that's why he didn't pair me with kyle. i thanked him for doing that. it was an awesome experience. we talked to and prayed for 90% of the people in there. we shed lots of tears. and i know that my time needs to be spent more wisely so maybe i can spend time with some that are so lonely. i have been there a million times. this time was different. this time Jesus went before me, gave me strength, and sent his love thru me. it was powerful.

after that we flew to miller park for cassy's b-day party/cookout. we were only almost 2 hours late. we hurried. it was nice to be in the nice breeze and be with the fam. i will put pics on facebook later.

so there you have it, our very emotional, fantastic, awesome weekend. i hope you all had a great weekend!! thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers. have a blessed day! luv, me

Thursday, April 23, 2009

anxious beyond belief

ok, i always pick the worst times to be on here...i realize i have not posted in like three weeks. so i am going to share the inner ramblings of my brain in hopes to release. please be prepared-it may not make sense, you may not be able to follow, you may get bored while reading it, and you just may feel like me after reading it. i apologize in advance.

the reason it is the worst time is because i a have a trillion and 3 things to get done today and tomorrow. you know just a few, call the vet-chili's rabies injection spot is really hard and swollen, call about a tiller (whenever we can sqeeze that time in before it decided to rain again), clean my house from top to bottom, shampoo the carpets and the furniture, breathe, go clean the church from 3:45-6, spray on some perfume and fly to the open house at the elementary tonight, pack heaven's bag, get her mentally prepared, and the list goes on. (as i know it does for everyone, "ahem", but this is about me right

i am replaying heaven's IEP over and over in my head. feel so bad for her and the pain she is gonna have to endure while growing up all while hoping the anger chooses not to surface-or if it does be able to be dealt with. she is really frustrated with me because of the rules and limits we put on her, but the are necessary for safety reasons. if any of you watche criminal minds--i was flabbergasted while watching it last night..the similiarities were uncanny. she has progressed a lot and is doing wuite well they said, but she has a long road to go...never a public school...of course we are not giving up--i am just venting. we talk, talk, talk, talk, til we can not talk anymore about life skills everyday. that is another good thing-she is really opening up. i hope she can release and release til she feels better. There are a lot of people praying for her and all things are possible with GOD!!

ok, on to the next thing in the ole brainster-our pre-placement visit!! she will be here tomorrow!! tomorrow!!! tomorrow-i love you slip of the brain...i am wondering how she is feeling? will she accept us? what does she like to do? what does she look like? will she feel comfy with us? and trust me the list goes on for 642 questions that are bouncing from one side to the other. nervous. excited. emotional. overflowing with love.

we had an impromptu cookout last night-which rocked by the way. my mom-n-law, sis-n-law, all 5 her kiddies, 2 of my friend's kiddies, and us. it's been awhile since we all have grilled out. man was it overdue. i love a house full of kids, the laughter, the footsteps, the hugs, and yes even the dealing witht he fighting. only can't handle puke!! the i yell 'oh honey (while gagging) hellllpppp". and might i say the peanut butter pie recipe from a friend was delicious!!! definitely gonna be made lots here. is that gonna work and lose weight? lol.....

you know what..i am disappointed...the house is not magically cleaning itself while i am sitting here...why? where is the cleaning lady? hello? well guess the lazy lady did not show up again...uugghhhh...all of it is back on that...

and the add is on full force....i am trying to stay focused and i am trying to think of a poem to write for the child that comes here, want to make her a hat(you know 2 more hours of something i need to get done), thinking of things to put in the bulletin(that i am not making for the church), trying to stay focused on staying focused, need to call mom today, hhmm-what all am i gonna put in the garden? how should i do that? dang it tina-stay focused!!! need to do devotionals-that just may help me to calm down. need to pray..that will help me calm down. oh yeah just looked around the room need to water the plants.

you crazy yet? i think i just might be!! lol....nahhh-just excited.

ok, i am going now. i am gonna blare a WBGL cd of my fav songs to relax too, oh yeah, need to make a cd for aunt lala...ok, back to signing off. "this is the slightly insane, extreme loving, peace-seeking, Slim Shady P (as kyle calls me) signing off for the day. may you all have a blessed, fantastic, happy, wonderful day. Peace out!!"

Thursday, April 2, 2009


Well after a great nights sleep, I am up and running already...hehe at least the ole mind is. Man i went to bed around 8:50!! that is sooo unusual for me. was gonna blog anyway then i read momma b's latest one. it iwas an honor to work on those hats for the kids at cunningham. a little piece of love to go along witht heir warm i copied her great idea!! i called and talked to heaven's school where kids live also and go to school there and volunteerd to make hats and scarves!! there are 26 kiddies that live there and 100 that go to school there. 20 girls and 80 boys...what a difference huh? so anyway i would LOVE to throw in some socks with them (haha) if at all possible. i told her that it would not be until right before fall so that leaves plenty of time. which i might of course ask a few angels to help me....

so, i also went on a mission trip this last weekend. i left friday around 9 and came home sat around 5p. it was an experience! first of all let me get sidetracked for a second--friday was our anniversary and i was gonna be gone so i left things everywhere so he would think of me. i left a bag of hershey's kisses scattered in his truck seat with a note, i wrote SHMILY (see how much i love you) wrote in the shower with sidewalk chalk, i wrote on the bathroom mirror, i wrote stuff on the fridge with magnets-the colorful kiddie ones, and i wrote all over the front porch and sidewalk out front so he would see it on his way to work that morning!! to my surprise he did something too!! it is even still there. he wrote on the front yard with his orange paint from work "happy 10 i luv you". he made me tear is the little things!! ok back from my world to a very different one.

i went with 5 guys from church to east st louis. we worked on a house that was givent o them from the family of a man that had recently passed away. it was for a family of 8 that either had no place to go or was losing their house soon. so we did that most of the day friday and sat morning. there was a group of 9 from maryland. it was really neat to meet new people and talk to them. it was a very new experience for me--seeing how my crew pulled up and dumped me with these 9 people that i had never met before!! altho iwas stressed at first-it will help me break from my shell. anyway sat night we did street ministry. we rode around the mean streets of east st louis where the prostitutes, drug dealers, gang members hang. we looked for them to give them hygiene packs, snack packs, and bottled water. we didn't see many people at all (it was cold out) so we went to a brothel/crackhouse. the girls (5 of us) and 2 guys went in. WOW!! a life i have never seen before. the first girl came out of her room and the pastors know most of these people by name, and was very thanksful to see us. was happy to receive her gifts and wanted a prayer. we all laid hands and prayed for her. she was really short and little, she kept sniffling and bouncing around, she could not stand still, everything she owned was in this little room and men were coming there for you know what!! it was awful. as we started backing away i noticed that she was pregnant! that was hard for me. but i also experienced a dif kind of love. one that just wanted to help her instead of condemn her and be be bitter. then she yelled in this hotel and the doors opened. about 4 more people came out. 1 woman, 3 men (who live there). her name was shannon. she was sniffling and much more restless than the first girl. se looked so awful. sunken cheeks, rotten teeth, greasy hear. she wanted us to pray for her children and her mom. she stated several times that she was a lost cause. man i was so filled with emotions. i didn't even sleep that night. i felt so guilty for going to a nice hotel, have a warm shower, i was stuffed from the dinner we had before we left. i was praying that she and the others were ok, that they changed or will and gave/give their life to Christ. it was something. i will definately go back as many times as i can. here is a link that truly describes the experience almost to a perfect t. Pastor Jay and his crew are awesome. he looks like a wwe wrestler and is in a neighborhood that is 99.9% black. and he is making a difference. he said even one year ago the hotel/brothel we were in was PACKED all rooms filled and people sleeping in the hallway, doing drugs right there. that the streets were packed full of people and protitutes...and thanks God--there was hardly anyone out. and he had opened 3 churches since being there!! amazing!!! it was an amazing experience.

ok and another thing...think i finally know what i want to do in ministry...i want to work in a homeless shelter or children's home. i have so much love to give and want to give it away...since i don't drive i have been praying about it and will wait, but that is what i really want to do.

man this is the longest blog i have ever written!! and i have tons more to say, so just sit there and keep you are about to fall off your chair from boredom!!

the man i used to take care of is now in the nursing home. it is not a bad thing for him. he loves the interaction with people, he gets good meals, and he gets showered!! again all of which we take for granted. he just needs looked over all hours of the day, not just 2!! i rode the ole bi-cycle (yes i know it is spelled wrong, but i was spelling it like i always say it) out to the home and visited him yesterday. we played some rummy. thought he was gonna beat me, but we ended up tieing. vising him makes his day, and mine. no matter what you are feeling when you leave you are smiling and thankful. people are always asking me their and at the hospital shockingly " are you related to him?" i reply no i worked for him and care about him immensely and he is a person-would you want to be alone thru all of this-or ever? i want them to know that someone is checking in on him and they can't just run over hime because he is special. that is another something i want to do--be an advocate for people.

kyle is at the quitting smoking thing again. he did it for 6 days a acouple weeks ago. he had had i think 4 int he last 2 days. he really wants to quit. it is hard for all of us with his grouchiness, but it is worth it.

well some heaven news. her mom was gonna take her home in a few days...ok wait, have to say something before i forget..she was just bumped up another reading level!! 3 since she has been here!! wooohoooooo!! she is doing wonderful...she was preschool when she first got there now she is the high end of first grade. that is good for her!! she is back to where she was when she left me the last time. ok, back to the other, her mom was gonna take her home and come to find out that if she moves back to her moms she cannot go to school at hammitt!! she would go back to the academy in pontiac..and believe you me-no child should go there so it sounds. there are tons of details, but that is the jist of it. so heaven said she is NOT goig back to that school so she is here at least to the end of school...and another tidbit of news her mom is looking for a place in GC!!!! so she can move home and go to school at hammitt. we'll see how that goes!!!

i am supposed to go to lucnh with a friend today..that will be nice.

ok, now maybe, just maybe, i can be productive on the things i need to do!!! the add is major today and the last few days soooo...i start 12 and get 2-3 done!! uugghhh....lots of stuff to do on the computer also some for the church, some for heaven, and some for me!! i didn't check the spelling or anything so if it is wrong--get over it!! i am a mad typer with tons on the HAVE A BLESSED DAY!!!!